


I'm Awake, Sire

by elirwen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern Era, Protective!Arthur, Reincarnation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-16
Updated: 2012-05-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elirwen/pseuds/elirwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t easy to live with memories from his past life while trying to survive all the hormone rushes of his new body’s adolescence. Even more so with love of his life, or both of his lives in this case, constantly around and in his space, letting his hopes so high that every return to the reality of friendship felt like a fall from a skyscraper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Awake, Sire

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank lovePEOPLEandCOWBOY for translation into French: <https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10771990/1/I-m-Awake-Sire>

It wasn’t easy to live with memories from his past life while trying to survive all the hormone rushes of his new body’s adolescence. Even more so with love of his life, or both of his lives in this case, constantly around and in his space, letting his hopes so high that every return to the reality of friendship felt like a fall from a skyscraper.

‘At least Gwen isn’t here this time,’ he thought.

Of course Gwen made her first appearance as they all started their first semester at university.

To make everything more difficult for him, most of the round table knights started popping out of nowhere, stirring the depths of his memories. Gwaine hit on him during their first bar crawl. Leon was his and Arthur’s academic father. Percival worked part time as a barista at the near café. And Lancelot, as a PhD student of psychology, was leading their course in the subject.

Still there was a bubble of hope in Arthur’s smiles, in his just a tad too long touches.

The bubble that burst at the moment he saw Arthur kissing Gwen right in the middle of their friends. The memory of their past selves’ wedding day fought its way out and Merlin couldn’t breathe through the waves of sudden despair. 

He grabbed the nearest bottle from the table, not really caring if it was vodka, wine, or just water, and left the noisy flat, climbing the stairs towards the empty roof. 

He had always liked to be up above the streets of the city. Even back in Camelot, standing on the battlements, usually at Arthur’s side, both of them lost in thoughts or simply breathing in the fresh air, watching the life unraveling down bellow. 

But today there would be no comforting presence of his friend, his king, his love. Only him, a bottle of liquid he now knew to be tequila, and a buzz of the night traffic mixed with the dull remnants of music coming from inside.

~x~

“Of all the idiotic things to do,” he heard as he was slowly awakening, aware of someone’s hand tapping his cheek not too gently. “I’m ordering you to wake up, you clot.”

It was Arthur’s voice, Merlin realized.

“I’m awake, Sire,” he said without thinking and then his brain caught up with his mouth and he opened his eyes in an instant, finding himself face to face with confused looking Arthur, who was very much not king this time around.

“What were you thinking going up onto the roof to drink yourself into unconsciousness in the middle of fucking December? You could have frozen to death,” Arthur was rambling, fussing with the blankets Merlin only now realized were wrapped around him.

“You’re leaving me again so what does it matter?” Merlin said, the numbness from the cold and alcohol leaving him strangely open.

“What? I’m not going anywhere,” Arthur said, frowning once more.

“You’re going to date her and then marry her and I’ll have to watch and pretend to be happy about it. As if one lifetime of it wasn’t enough,” Merlin grumbled, trying to get out off the nest of the blankets even as his teeth started chattering.

“Shit. You’re delirious,” Arthur said, pushing him back, worry written all over his face.

“I’m not,” Merlin cried out. “I’m tired of it all. I don’t want to remember all the stupid things from god knows when. I hate waking up from nightmares about you dying in my arms.” 

“Merlin, calm down,” Arthur said, pulling him into a hug, bringing them closer than they had ever been in this lifetime, but Merlin wasn’t finished.

“I feel sick when I remember being your dirty little secret. I want to love someone who will love only me.”

He could feel Arthur’s sharp inhale and the tightening of his hand on Merlin’s back.

“Merlin, I...” Arthur trailed off.

“You can’t, I know,” Merlin said, all fight leaving his body. “It would have been better if I died on that roof.”

Something like a sob escaped Arthur’s lips and then he was pulling away, gripping Merlin’s shoulders and forcing Merlin to look at him.

“Don’t you dare,” Arthur shouted, desperation shining from his eyes. “Don’t you dare think about something so stupid ever again. You’re the most important person in my life.”

“You’re lying,” Merlin said, averting his face. “You kissed her.”

“It was just a game, truth or dare,” Arthur said with a sigh, letting his arms fall down from Merlin’s shoulders.

“Oh,” Merlin said, unable to stop the overwhelming wave of hope that crashed through him. “Where is everybody?” he asked, suddenly aware of the quiet of the flat.

“I sent them all away after I’d found you on the roof. You must have been up there at least an hour, maybe two, and you were so cold. Your lips were blue,” Arthur said, his finger tracing the line of Merlin’s lower lip.

Another sort of shiver ran through Merlin’s body and it snapped Arthur out of his thoughts.

“You’re still freezing. I’ll bring you some tea,” Arthur said, dashing out of the room without waiting for an answer.

~x~

“Did you mean it, about me being important?” Merlin asked, halfway through his cup.

Arthur nodded.

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship so I just held myself back,” he said.

Merlin finished the tea and tried to bury himself under the covers even more, curled on his side on Arthur’s spacious bed.

After a few short moments of listening to Arthur walking around the flat, making sure the door was locked and turning off the lights, Arthur was back and joined Merlin on the bed.

“Come here,” he whispered and Merlin opened his warm cocoon at the front and shuffled closer to Arthur, sighing at the blissful heat of Arthur’s body against his.

“You called me ‘Sire’ earlier and then talked about memories. What was that about,” Arthur asked in a hushed tone.

“It’s nothing,” Merlin answered.

“It didn’t sound like nothing.”

“You’ll think I’m crazy.”

“I’ve always thought you’re crazy.”

“Very comforting,” Merlin said and pressed his nose to Arthur’s collarbone, hoping it would be the end of it.

“I don’t want you to be alone with it,” Arthur said after a while, gently petting Merlin’s hair.

And so Merlin talked until he fell asleep, and then talked more in the morning and well into the afternoon.

Arthur never stopped listening.

**Author's Note:**

> Also [on my journal](http://elirwen.livejournal.com/36665.html)


End file.
